Old Fart Farting...I'm Even Offending Myself

Saturday was my 58th birthday so I decided to give myself a present. Commit lozenges.I’ve been a smoker pretty much my whole adult life (started when I was 19). At one time I smoked 3 packs a day. I wonder how much I’ve spent over the years on cigarettes that I could have had available for other things?

When I first started, I could get a carton of the Tarytons that I smoked for $1.80 at the base commissary. Today of course, premium cigarettes are over $50.00 a carton at Costco. First I dropped from Benson & Hedges to Kools and then to Pall Mall menthol 100s which I can still buy for the “meager” sum of $35.

I quit for a couple of years almost 20 years ago. I quit again on my 54th birthday and hadn’t had a cigarette until I met my wife in December, 2004. She smoked and I was fine with that. When she’d go out on her balcony to have I cigarette, I’d go out with her and we’d talk while she smoked. That went on for about a week. Then I’d take a drag on her cigarette while she smoked (notice I said drag not puff. Puffs are for wusses). That went on for a week or so and then when she’d light up I’d filch one of hers. That too, went on for about a week and I was hooked and back to smoking again.

So, one more time for me. It’s been 4 days and I’ve had 2 cigarettes both of which I sneaked from my wife’s pack on the balcony when she was doing something else.

Now there’s a curious thing about Commit lozenges. Basically they’re nicotine in a chalky lozenge. I pop one in my mouth whenever I get that buzz going in my ears that says I’m going into withdrawal. Yep, this is indeed a drug. Nicotine as a drug isn’t really going to hurt you it’s just the crap in the burning tobacco that kills you. But nicotine is as strongly addictive as heroin or cocaine (so I’ve read).

Oh yeah, the curious thing about Commit. They don’t have too many side effects. In fact here’s the statement in the Commit website FAQs about their side effects:
The most common side effects are insomnia, nausea, hiccups, coughing, heartburn, headache and flatulence.

Let’s see—insomnia, nope. Nausea, nope. Hiccups, nope. Coughing, nope. Heartburn or headache, nope. Flatulence. Flatulence???

If I could figure out a way to hook a hose up to my butt I bet I could refill the propane tank on my grill for free!

I’m offending myself! I’m waking my wife up at night—farting. They’re grand, glorious “pooters” which seem to go on forever long, drawn out blaaaaaaaats and endless staccato bursts in no recognizable rhythm.

Am I embarrassed by this? Well as my wife just said to me over the tabletop—“there’s a nobler purpose at hand.” But I’m sure there are limits to the patience of her ears and nose.

I try to sneak them by her but she picks up on the vibrations and reverberations on the couch as we sit watching endless re-runs of Scrubs and Deadliest Catch. And speaking of Deadliest Catch—naw, I really don’t want to go there.

But, hopefully within a couple of weeks, this will be over and I can wean myself off the nicotine lozenges. And, quit hacking up a lung every morning. And have a heightened sense of smell and taste. (By the way the last time I quit, the first sense that came back was the sense of smell and I discovered that the world doesn’t smell all that good).

And then, maybe I can take those walks around the hills near our apartment and turn them into runs again as I try to clear up and strengthen my lungs.

Until then, I’ll just have to keep on “offending myself” for a while. Ahhhhhh, there’s another one.

Senate to let FDA Regulate Tobacco:"Thank you Capt. Obvious"

Dee dee dit dee dee dit dee dee dee...Breaking news today from the Associated Press:

"Washington--The Senate votes Thursday on legislation that for the first time would give the government control over the production and marketing of tobacco products, a long-sought goal that supporters say could save lives and millions in health care dollars."

"According to Sen. Dick Durbin of Illinois, "We're going to be able to protect millions of children and Americans from deadly tobacco-related disease.' The bill would allow the FDA to require changes to nicotine yields and other chemicals in cigarettes and other tobacco products, although it could not ban nicotine. It would require tobacco companies to provide detailed lists of ingredients and any changes in those ingredients."

I read that and started coughing so hard I had to put out my cigarette.

This is just a bunch of hooey. Remember when Dr. David Kessler was the Commissioner of the FDA during the H.W. Bush and Clinton administrations? Naw, you probably don't. He got in trouble for suggesting that cigarettes be designated a "drug delivery device" and as such be regulated by the FDA. Big Trouble! But he was absolutely, dead solid right. So now we get this watered down stuff that says the FDA can regulate some of the content of cigarettes.

Geesh, when is the government going to realize (in spite of the tobacco industry's posturing, lobbying and spending) that these things are killers? The only thing they are made for is to get people addicted to nicotine. Nicotine, in and of itself, is relatively harmless but it's the way the nicotine gets into the system that is the killer.

Anyone who knows me knows that I smoke like a chimney on a cold night. Yeah, I'm addicted and I've yet to permanently quit. It would be nice for the government to do the right thing once in a while. Kessler was right. But so was George Carlin who also said, "Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the customer."

Isn't it nice to know that the Congress and FDA are looking out for our best interests!

To quote George Carlin again, "Thank you Captain Obvious."

To Quote George Carlin...

Recently the FDA and EPA have both come out with positions that would first, cause George Carlin to spin over in his grave and second, would have him sitting up and saying, “thank you Captain obvious”.

First the EPA issued a proposed finding on April 17 that greenhouse gases contribute to air pollution that may endanger public health or welfare. Apparently the U. S. Supreme Court told them to do that 2 years ago. Now, there’s a whole lot of stuff behind this I’m sure and now there is a public comment period until EPA can make it official.

Wow, I’m glad that this isn’t anything serious and I’m glad that the EPA has cleared this up. I would never have suspected that greenhouse gases either contribute to air pollution or endanger public health without this finding. When the last of us are gasping and sitting on our oceanfront property in Kansas we’ll be able to point to this finding and say, “See, I told you so.”

The other remarkable item deals with the FDA which will apparently now have the ability to “regulate” cigarettes. It won’t be able to outlaw tobacco or nicotine but it can regulate it in cigarettes. One of the other things I loved was discussions on “e-cigarettes” which release a nicotine vapor up a tube to more thoroughly simulate smoking but without the smoke. Senator Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey wants e-cigarettes taken off the market however, “until they are proven safe”. Say what? If he wants to do that to e-cigarettes how about taking regular cigarettes off the market until they’re proven safe? Naw, wouldn’t want to do that would we?

Anyway, this one is just a bunch of hooey. Remember when Dr. David Kessler was Commissioner of the FDA during the Bush the Elder and Clinton administrations? Naw, you probably don’t. He got in trouble for suggesting that cigarettes be designated a “drug delivery device” and as such be regulated by the FDA. Big trouble. But he was absolutely, dead solid right. So, now we get this watered down stuff that says the FDA can regulate some of the content of cigarettes.

Geesh, when is the government going to let itself realize (in spite of the tobacco industry’s posturing, lobbying and spending) that these things are killers. The only thing they are made for is to get people addicted to nicotine. Nicotine in and of itself is relatively harmless but it’s the way the nicotine gets into the system that is the killer.

When people were giving themselves HIV and Hepatitis B from sharing needles, many groups and governmental bodies supported and provided sources of clean needles. Is there a parallel there? I think so.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I smoke like a chimney on a cold night. Yeah, I’m addicted and I’ve yet to permanently quit. It would be nice for the government to do the right thing once in a while. Kessler was right.

But isn’t it nice to know that the EPA and FDA are looking out for our best interests!

Thank you Captain Obvious.