He Ain't Heavy, He's My 'Taters

We’ve got a grocery store we go to just for produce. Their produce is fantastic. Their prices on other things tend to be high because the place is kind of a cross between Trader Joe’s and Henry’s. It’s called Frazier’s Farms.

About once a week or so we take our produce list to Frazier’s to stock up. Now, this place is about ¾ of a mile away from our apartment so often I’ll walk. It’s a straight shot and it’s getting exercise at the same time that I’m getting fresh veggies. So I walk it. And besides, bell peppers and onions and tomatoes and squash and lettuce, maybe some apples or limes too, aren’t all that heavy, especially since it’s a week’s worth for 2 people.

Until I need potatoes.

And even potatoes aren’t bad. It’s just a sack of potatoes, drop the bag into a paper grocery sack, lift it by the handle and it’s a balanced load—produce in one hand, ‘taters in the other.

Now, I’m referring to the 5 lb. sack of potatoes that the store sells for $1.99. OK, no big deal, right? Right.

So, I’m in the store about a month ago. I’ve got my list. ‘Taters are on it. Except for one thing. I can get a 10 lb. sack of ‘taters for $2.49. Hmmmm, that’s 5 more pounds for half a buck. Not bad. And if we’ve got too many, Carolyn can take a small sack over to her Mom’s.

So I pick up the 10 lb. sack and take it along with my basket of produce to the check-out. I love getting a whole week’s worth of salads and fresh veggies for cooking, etc. for about $8 including the $2.49 for the ‘taters. It appeals to the “Cheap Bastid” in me.

I love cutting summer squash into planks, painting it with a bit of oil, slapping some spice on and putting it on the grill. I enjoy making fresh “pico de gallo” or getting cilantro and parsley for freshly made chimichurri. So the produce is really a bagful of treasure to take home.

Until I bumped myself up to a 10 lb. sack of ‘taters.

You know, I’m a healthy, in reasonable condition kind of guy. You kids will think I’m an old fart but old farts can usually work you kids into the dust in just a little while.

But, those damn potatoes seemed like they were gaining weight the whole way home. It’s just 10 lbs. But by the time I was half-way there, I was thinking of doing a Hansel and Gretel thing and marking a trail behind me with potatoes. My arms were starting to feel like they had been stretched a couple of inches each from switching the bags back and forth.

I had a sack of iron ingots. I was carrying 3 bowling balls in one paper sack. It’s like I had a list to port or starboard depending on which hand I was carrying the sack with the potatoes in. My elbows were starting to hurt from the stretching on my tendons. Why are the blocks suddenly each a half mile long?

I was sweating. I didn’t wear a hat or visor and sweat was running from my bald head to my eyes as I waited for-effin-ever at the final intersection for the traffic and pedestrian crossing lights to change. It’s the last half-block. The home-stretch. It was like the scene out of Forrest Gump where he’s carrying Bubba on his back while the F-4s come screaming overhead dropping napalm. And I was mumbling to myself, “the next time she wants potatoes, she can go get the damn things herself”.

It was only 10 lbs. of ‘taters, dammit! Shee-ut! Now, when I go to Frazier’s and know I have to buy potatoes…I take the car.

Small Town Vasectomy, Where Everybody Knows Your Pain

Shortly after my daughter Susan was born, I decided that with 2 kids in 2 years it was time for me to get “fixed”. I figured, magnanimously, that seeing as how my wife was the one who had given birth, and it was my “equipment” that caused it, that maybe I was the one who should get “taken care of”.

Anyway, the surgery was outpatient, at the Kossuth County Hospital and only took about a half hour. It was scheduled for a Friday afternoon so that I could rest up over the weekend and be “back to normal” on Monday.

Kossuth County Hospital

At the appointed time, I checked in and was shown where the surgery would take place, changed into a gown and climbed onto the table. An orderly came in (male) and gave me a bit of a rundown on what was going to happen. Basically, 2 tiny incisions, snipping, stretching and tying. Didn’t sound too bad. Then he shaved me “down there”. Still no big problem.

A few minutes later the surgeon came in. I knew him pretty well from around town and my job running the local chamber of commerce. He was smoking a cigarette (that was when you could still do stuff like that). “Hey,” I exclaimed, “If you can have a cigarette why can’t I have one?”

So he gave me one of his, I lit up and we smoked. I think that he was just making sure that I was relaxed. Then, he had me lay down again, put on a mask, picked up a syringe and pulled the gown up to my waist, asking “are you ready for this?” To make this long story a bit shorter, it only took about 20 minutes and he was done. But I did discover that LaMaze breathing techniques help when you’ve got something going on that gets you a bit nervous and threatens hyperventilation.

Not quite the way it's done, but....

So I headed home, walking just a bit gingerly because the local anesthetic was starting to wear off. Everything went OK that evening although I mainly just sat in my recliner taking it easy. My wife helped out making sure that 2 year old Mike didn’t hop on my lap.

Obviously, this story isn’t quite told. Saturday was grocery store day. I had taken some ibuprofen and felt good. So, I took off for the local HyVee grocery store with Mikey, my 2 year old. I figured I’d only have to lift him up once to get in the cart and once to get back out and that there’d be no problem. Yeah, right!

Hy Vee, the main grocery chain in Iowa

We’re in the store, picking up the things on our list. Mike and I are carrying on a conversation like we always do in the store. I’m not moving really fast but I’m moving.

Have you ever noticed where a 2 year old’s feet hang when they’re sitting in a grocery cart? And have you ever noticed how they kind of like to swing their feet back and forth? Oh, yeah. He got me. Right where I was sore and tender. I saw it coming too. You know, in slow motion like in movie action scenes. I was like Jean Claude Van Damme when he’s fighting in slow motion and saying “Yeeee-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”.

And all of a sudden, I’m doubled over right in the middle of the aisle in HyVee. It was the freezer section. The kind where the freezers are waist high and open. I ended up boosting myself up and hanging my butt over it into the freezer just to try to cool off the pain. People were walking by me looking at me like I’m some kind of weirdo. Mikey thought it was funny and was laughing. All I could do is scrunch up my face and groan.

Please note the relative position of the kid's feet to the Dad's "groin"

Someone helped me out of the freezer. I stood with my hands on my knees panting like someone who’s just finished running a 440. Mikey reached out to me offering to share a well gummed, half eaten cookie. I smile and croaked out, “no thanks”.

I slowly, slowly like an octogenarian finished the last little bit of shopping pushing the cart with my arms extended as far in front of myself as possible to stay clear of the little guy's deadly feet.

We checked out, the bagger helped load the car and I drove home.

As soon as I pulled into the driveway, my wife came out of the house. “Are you all right,” she asked? “Sure, why?” was my response as we let Mike out of the car and went inside, groceries temporarily ignored. (They walked inside, I shuffled).

“Well, I’ve had 3 phone calls in the last 10 minutes from people asking me if you’re all right and saying that you had some kind of accident at HyVee.” (Bear in mind that this was before cell phones).

Looking up, I said, “Well, Mikey got me.”

“What do you mean he got you?”

“He accidentally kicked me and I ended up hanging my balls over the edge of a freezer,” was my response.

By now she’s trying not to laugh. The phone rang. She picked it up listened for a few seconds and said, “Here, it’s for you”.

“Walt, this is Al.” was what greeted me. Al was the general manager of HyVee in Algona. “Heard you had a problem in the store today, are you OK?”

“Yeah,” I replied, “I just got kicked by my son while he was in the cart.”

“Oh, that’s right. You had your vasectomy yesterday. Doc told me about it…..”

So, I spent the rest of the weekend resting up my “parts”. Skipped church the next morning and got ready to hear about my “incident” at HyVee incessantly on Monday. The only thing I could do was laugh!

And that’s life in a small town. Everybody knows you. Everybody knows your business. You know, if I had to choose, I guess I’d choose that rather than the impersonal anonymity that seems to be the norm today where no one knows you, or cares to know you.

Spend Less/Get More

I thought it was time for the old “Cheap Bastid” to come through with some thoughts on saving money that might be useful seeing as how the economy is in the toilet and money is tighter. And, if you’ve got a family, you can end up with more family time than you had before.

It’s not hard to reduce grocery bills and at the same time incorporate flavor and creativity into meals. You can go to a bit of an extreme like I used to when the kids were growing up. Then, my goal was a family meal every conceivably possible night which was inexpensive, good tasting, balanced and could be prepared in a half hour or less.

Grocery shopping was done on Saturday morning. The first step in the process was to come up with a day by day menu for the coming week’s suppers. A lot of the meals weren’t elaborate—we’d have “brinner” (breakfast for dinner) usually once every two weeks if not more often. I mean, how pricey and how hard to cook are scrambled eggs or pancakes? Anyway, I’d do menus oftentimes letting each of the 2 kids pick one dinner they’d like. The next step was inventory. What ingredients for those meals did I have on hand and what did I need to get in order to do it?

From there the inventory also considered staples, beverages, snacks and dessert. Now I didn’t go nuts on any of those—one big bag of chips was expected to last the week; when they were gone that was it. Then I would take a look at coupons and specials—both for stocking up and for the week’s supplies sometimes substituting in order to get a better price. Last, I would compile the final list. I always used the same grocery store so my list was written in the order in which the item would appear in the store (that saves both time and money by the way).

I will guarantee you that if you take an approach like this that you’ll save 10-15%--minimum—without shortchanging yourself. You’ll do fewer impulse buys and will use what you buy.

But, there’s other things you can do too. For example, buy store brand cereal rather than name brand (it’s a cardboard box, some grain and sugar for crying out loud—you just don’t need to pay for the national merchandising). And by the way, if the kids resist, that’s too bad. Let them buy it themselves or go without. Either way it’s no sweat off your nose and no harm will come to the kids.

Buy your meat when it’s on special—then stock up. I buy the big packs of boneless skinless chicken breasts for under $2 a pound when it’s on special. Then when I get home I break it down and put 1 or 2 breasts in plastic bags (I also sanitize and re-use plastic bags too!). I do the same thing with ground beef. I buy “London Broil” on special at less than $2 a pound too and keep a couple on hand. One of these days I’ll write a piece on using that cut of meat several different ways to make inexpensive, taste like a million bucks multiple meals.

If you’re trying to use the excuse that you’re too busy—well, you’re too busy not to. It just makes sense. There’s an ad on the back of this week’s Newsweek for Ragu about how you can buy Ragu and make spaghetti for $2 a serving. That’s a lot less than it’ll cost you at Buca de Beppo or Olive Garden but I can still make it for less than $1 a serving, including garlic toast and salad. In the first place I don’t buy jarred sauce—for 3 reasons. One, the glass jar itself adds to the price. Two, there’s way too much sugar in any of the jarred sauces used to cut the acid of the tomatoes. And three, the jarred sauce costs typically at least $3. I buy the big can of sauce for less than a buck with less sugar. I have a full spice cabinet and I’m going to make it taste even better when I heat it and if it’s too acidic, I can add a bit of honey or sugar. See, I just saved you money again.

And why order out pizza for anywhere from $15 to $20. The ingredients in a pizza crust cost less than $1 (and most of that is for the packet of yeast) and it takes less than 10 minutes to make a crust—do a Google search for making pizza crust). Sauce is easy to make and you can easily brown up some hamburger or sausage or have some pepperoni on hand. For about $4 you can make your own 12” pizza. It’ll take a couple of times to get the hang of making the crust and you have about an extra 2 minutes of clean-up while the pizza is baking but so what. And any or all of this can be done with the kids helping prep and clean. Then you sit down together for 15 or 20 minutes, eat, talk and be a family.

So we’re saving money while at the same time building family. And like the MasterCard commercial says—that’s priceless.