Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The News is Goofy Today--Or Is My Mind Warped?

For some reason today, several short articles in my morning paper the, “North County Times” here in the northern reaches of San Diego County, caught my attention.

Maybe it’s my own interpretation or the fact that I wasn’t finished with my first cup of coffee yet, but some of this stuff is just plain goofy.

Here’s one:
“Port-a-Potty fire ‘suspicious’”
“A fire broke out in a lone port-a-potty at a construction site Tuesday night, and it’s far from certain it was a natural function. ‘It’s definitely suspicious,’ said Escondido fire Capt. Andre Paredes.”

To quote George Carlin: “Thank you Captain Obvious”.

Are we talking spontaneous combustion here? Or are we talking extremely toxic burritos which were eaten for lunch? Should we be humming “Smoking in the Boys Room”? Is there a “biffy burner” on the loose in North County? What a great name, by the way “The Biffy Burning Bandit”. Is the local TV news going to do a story on it complete with video? I’d love to see the perfectly coiffed news lady who gets tasked with that assignment, standing in front of the ashes, overemphasizing her vowels as she puts all the drama of a major catastrophe into the story.

Another new article on the paper’s Back Page which is a daily compendium of short and often odd pieces said this:

“Dickens’ dog collar fetches $11K”
“A dog collar that belonged to Charles Dickens has fetched $11,590 at a New York City auction.
The leather and brass collar is inscribed with Dickens’ name.”

Apparently, Dickens was, as the article said in its last sentence, “fond of dogs”.

Well damn, when I first saw the headline, I got the insane impression that Dickens had a fetish for wearing dog collars. Victorians were known for their closeted kinkiness and I was fully prepared to accept this about the author and was disappointed to learn that it was, indeed, a pooches collar and not a fashion accessory.

And last but certainly not least was this little tidbit under the heading of “Weird News”:

“Otter Mistaken for Snowmobiler”
This one really made me sit up and say, “Huh?”—well actually it was “WTF”??

“Greenville, Maine—State officials in Maine say witnesses who reported seeing a drowning snowmobiler on a lake were probably looking at an otter enjoying a snack.
On Thursday, three people reported seeing a snowmobiler wearing all black and a black helmet struggling in Moosehead Lake. Officials used an airboat and flew overhead on Thursday and Friday, but found no evidence that a person had gone through the ice.”
So, the upshot of this story is that rather than this:

They saw, this:

Maybe it’s because the “witnesses” had been out doing too much of this:

And to quote Dave Barry, “I’m not making this up!”

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