Cheap Bastid's BATV and Food Porn

So, I went out and did it. After 4 or more years of dutifully checking each week’s ad flyers from Best Buy, Fry’s, Target, WalMart, etc. I finally got myself a BATV for Christmas.

In case you’re wondering, BATV is a Big Ass TV, also known as an HDTV. I like BATV better for my 42”, 1080p, 120hz Sanyo now occupying most of the living room wall space. Over the years I have patiently waited for the prices to drop. They really haven’t. The only thing that has changed is the technology. There have been multiple incarnations of these TVs and each time it seems as though the price is ready to plummet, new technology comes out. Regular old HDTV to plasma to LCD to LED, etc. Mine is LCD. They’ve never gotten to my magic, secret, inner price point where I can both afford and am willing to pay the price though.

Of course, it doesn’t help that my expectations steadily progressed from 32 inch to 37 inch to 40 inch. Maybe that has something to do with my eyesight but I’m not sure. All these past 6 years I have been content with my 20” set that weighs a ton and requires a 6 foot “wingspread” to be able to pick up that I bought at Target on sale for $88 in 2004.

And in true Cheap Bastid fashion. I managed to get this 42” behemoth at a price that might charitably be considered the same price as the 20-incher plus reasonable inflation. Total out of pocket: $120.

You see, I sell cars for a “living”. (Living is in quotes because it’s not much of one either economically or in the sense that you’re making the world a better place for peace, love and rock and roll). The first of December, our dealer principal (that’s the guy whose name is over the door and who owns the place) announced at our monthly sales meeting that we would be doing a “Letter to Santa” contest. Fill out the letter at the bottom with a Santa gift that we wanted up to $500 and if we sold 8 cars by the 21st of the month we would get that prize. I asked for a 40”, 1080 p, 120hz HDTV.

The good news is that I was both motivated and just a bit lucky and put out a total of 9 ½ units in that time period. So, now I’ve got this BATV for only $120 out of pocket (it cost more than $500)—although it’ll be more than that because Uncle Sam and the State of California is going to hit me up for income tax.

I sat down to watch my new BATV after getting it set up and quickly popped it over to FoodTV. WOW! First thing I saw was a close up of food. Delectable, delicious food in 42” of hi-def glory. Food porn! It was glorious and had me drooling. Suddenly I was starving. I kept watching as more food was shown in a sauté pan juices flowing, caramelizing, steam wafting making me want to leap into the fridge and satiate my craving for protein.

And then the camera cut to a close up of Giada Delaurentis. Her enormous head filled the drive-in movie sized screen—rather like when your parents first took you to see “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman”. I don’t watch Giada because it just seems to me that she works too hard to make sure that her meager, push-up bra enhanced cleavage is the star of the show rather than the food. But my BATV put these attributes into their proper comedic perspective.


So now, I’m going to go over and watch the masters of food porn—the Neeley’s—as they wilt collard greens and turn it into an true exercise in epicurean erotica.