Penises, Vibrators and Cars

The other night, while sitting out on the balcony with my wife talking about our day, we got in a bit of a discussion about my job as a car salesman.

Seems like she wasn’t too fond of my description that a 50’ish female customer I was working with was driving a $37,000 “vibrator”. (Actually, she has a 7-year old Nissan 350Z convertible).

“Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re getting irked at the notion that this woman bought a car 4 years ago and has admitted that it was her ‘bright and shiny toy’ that she ‘just had to have’ to indulge her late middle age desire for a ‘go-fast convertible’.”

“But let me ask you something…you don’t have any problems describing a guy that age who has a Corvette as owning a $40,000 penis do you?”

“Well, no,” my bride replied.

“It’s the same thing,” was my response.


Yeah, it was the same thing. Men have been doing that for years with ‘Vettes and Mustang Cobras and Mitsubishi Evo’s and Dodge Challengers and big, bad-ass, jacked-up trucks. Women do it too. It has to do with our image of our masculinity or femininity or the idea that we’re 40 plus and want to feel young.

And yeah, somehow or another these vehicles are tied into our sexuality—our attractiveness, our desirability. I’ve never had the cash to indulge that fantasy, nor the inclination.

So what’s this all about? Well, I had this customer the other day. 50’ish, female and wanting to buy a new, sporty car. No problem. Until she told me later in the day over the phone that she had a trade-in. OK, still no problem. An ‘07 350Z convertible. Still no problem. $8000 “upside-down”. Potential problem. Only $2000 available for a down payment. Yep, potential problem.

To make the long story short, when I was finally able to get her to come in so we could appraise her car. In actuality, she was nearly $10,000 upside down. Oops.

Now, a car dealer can do some legerdemain sometimes with how to assemble a deal structure so that it works for a customer with substantial negative equity. It’s a lot harder today than it was 3 or 4 years ago, thank goodness. Things tightened up with car loans at the same time they did with home mortgages—and for the same reasons.

Turns out, she still owed over $19,000 on a vehicle she bought 4 years ago that’s worth less than $10K. And there’s still 3 years to go on the loan. Oops! Great big Oops!

You know what bugs my butt though? This person bought a middle-aged ego-booster. She’s tired of it. It’s not big enough. But lady, it’s not my fault! It’s not my fault that you screwed yourself by agreeing to a 7 year loan and that you paid new-car price for a car which was 3 years old when you bought it. It ain’t my fault! Yeah, when I had to give her bad news, she got mad. At me!

She got mad at me when I told her that she had a 7 year loan (she thought it was only a 6 year loan—but hmmmm, I can do that math…she’s made 49 payments and has 35 to go, yep that’s 7 years). She didn’t believe me. “Well ma’am,” I said, “that’s what it shows on both Experian and TransUnion so what I’d suggest is that you check your original contract to make sure.”

But that’s OK, you need to be miffed at someone and there’s only so much that you can beat yourself up and you have to do that privately rather than in my office. And, I’m not the first guy that you’ve tried to do this with. I imagine that the other dealers you’ve gone to have told you the same thing. I mean, we can do it. We can get you out of the car, but it’s going to take more like $6000 down. But your payment will be over $100 lower. And she got mad at that. But that’s OK. That’s the nature of the business.

Hey, if you’ve got a testosterone toy or an estrogen machine, that’s cool. Make sure that you set yourself up to succeed when you’re tired of driving it. And, although you may have gotten screwed without getting kissed, you were a willing participant. Plus, I’m not the guy who did it to you. I’m the guy who’s trying to help you get out of it!

Just remember—it’s a car! It’s not proof that you’re a hottie or a stud. It’s transportation. There’s no status that’s conveyed to you by the car you drive.

Here’s a YouTube of one of my favorite all time car commercials—give it a watch, it’s funny.

Cheap Bastid's BATV and Food Porn

So, I went out and did it. After 4 or more years of dutifully checking each week’s ad flyers from Best Buy, Fry’s, Target, WalMart, etc. I finally got myself a BATV for Christmas.

In case you’re wondering, BATV is a Big Ass TV, also known as an HDTV. I like BATV better for my 42”, 1080p, 120hz Sanyo now occupying most of the living room wall space. Over the years I have patiently waited for the prices to drop. They really haven’t. The only thing that has changed is the technology. There have been multiple incarnations of these TVs and each time it seems as though the price is ready to plummet, new technology comes out. Regular old HDTV to plasma to LCD to LED, etc. Mine is LCD. They’ve never gotten to my magic, secret, inner price point where I can both afford and am willing to pay the price though.

Of course, it doesn’t help that my expectations steadily progressed from 32 inch to 37 inch to 40 inch. Maybe that has something to do with my eyesight but I’m not sure. All these past 6 years I have been content with my 20” set that weighs a ton and requires a 6 foot “wingspread” to be able to pick up that I bought at Target on sale for $88 in 2004.

And in true Cheap Bastid fashion. I managed to get this 42” behemoth at a price that might charitably be considered the same price as the 20-incher plus reasonable inflation. Total out of pocket: $120.

You see, I sell cars for a “living”. (Living is in quotes because it’s not much of one either economically or in the sense that you’re making the world a better place for peace, love and rock and roll). The first of December, our dealer principal (that’s the guy whose name is over the door and who owns the place) announced at our monthly sales meeting that we would be doing a “Letter to Santa” contest. Fill out the letter at the bottom with a Santa gift that we wanted up to $500 and if we sold 8 cars by the 21st of the month we would get that prize. I asked for a 40”, 1080 p, 120hz HDTV.

The good news is that I was both motivated and just a bit lucky and put out a total of 9 ½ units in that time period. So, now I’ve got this BATV for only $120 out of pocket (it cost more than $500)—although it’ll be more than that because Uncle Sam and the State of California is going to hit me up for income tax.

I sat down to watch my new BATV after getting it set up and quickly popped it over to FoodTV. WOW! First thing I saw was a close up of food. Delectable, delicious food in 42” of hi-def glory. Food porn! It was glorious and had me drooling. Suddenly I was starving. I kept watching as more food was shown in a sauté pan juices flowing, caramelizing, steam wafting making me want to leap into the fridge and satiate my craving for protein.

And then the camera cut to a close up of Giada Delaurentis. Her enormous head filled the drive-in movie sized screen—rather like when your parents first took you to see “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman”. I don’t watch Giada because it just seems to me that she works too hard to make sure that her meager, push-up bra enhanced cleavage is the star of the show rather than the food. But my BATV put these attributes into their proper comedic perspective.


So now, I’m going to go over and watch the masters of food porn—the Neeley’s—as they wilt collard greens and turn it into an true exercise in epicurean erotica.

Just Cuz I Sell Cars For a Living Doesn't Make Me an Asshole

Well, I’ve been toiling away now for 10 months now. I’ve had a few good months and I’ve had a few crappy months. I’ve met some real nice folks and I’ve met some jerks.

The dealership where I work is in an upscale community in San Diego County. Good credit and good income is the norm. We also get a number of Marines from nearby Camp Pendleton, usually with pretty good credit too. And all that helps. What doesn’t help though is the cynicism, smugness and sense of entitlement that all too many customers bring with them usually because they’ve managed to look something up on the internet.


The internet actually does a lot of disservice in many areas not the least of which is in car sales. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t make it the gospel. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t eliminate the need to read all the fine print.

Anyway, this hopefully isn’t going to degenerate into a rant. But let’s see what flows from my brain to my fingertips.

There’s a lot of down time at a dealership. And there’s times when you’re desperate for something to keep you busy. And, it doesn’t help when the dealer filters all but the most basic of websites from its computers. Forget search engines or news sources.

So here’s a couple of things from a car sales guy that might help you a bit the next time you think you want to take the plunge and go shopping for a car:

Narrow your choices of a new car down before venturing out. Have a pretty good idea whether you want a cross-over utility vehicle, sedan or mini-van before venturing out. All major manufacturers have websites where you can screen various models and trim levels and do your basic comparison shopping before leaving home. Remember, if I don’t sell anything, I don’t make anything. I’m patient but not to the point where I’m happy to spend 2 hours with you doing nothing but “kicking tires” on your first foray to a car dealership in 10 years.


Are you thinking of trading your car? That’s fantastic. And if you want to withhold it until the end, that’s fine too. But bear in mind that now isn’t the time to get impatient over time because it’s now going to take 30 or more minutes longer when we have to appraise your vehicle and if a balance is owed we have to contact the lender to secure an accurate 10 day pay-off. (The sum of your remaining payments is not your payoff unless you have a 0% loan).

And, the amount you owe on your trade has absolutely nothing to do with how much it’s worth. A customer a couple of weeks ago was incensed that we couldn’t provide her with a trade value that would pay off her vehicle. She owed $8500 on an 8 year old vehicle that was worth $5000 at wholesale. I finally asked her a direct question: “Miss, if you only owed $1000 on your car would that mean that it’s only worth $1000?” Of course, she answered “No”. To which I responded, “Well, wouldn’t you agree then that the amount you owe on your vehicle has nothing to do with how much it’s worth?” Of course it doesn’t.

If you’ve already ground us down to a below invoice price on your vehicle, you have no expectation of a “retail” value on your trade. We’ll go wholesale to wholesale or retail to retail. The dealer where I work rarely tries to go retail for our car and wholesale for a trade (but we will). It’s lousy business for us to go wholesale on the vehicle we’re selling and retail on the vehicle the customer is trading. We won’t do it and will tell a customer right up front that we can’t and don’t.
Here’s a hint. The sources of trade information online are generally woefully inaccurate. The closest we’ve found is Edmunds.com. The source we try to use most is a source that only dealers have access to. It’s known as Manheim Market Reports and is the commodity based pricing from Manheim Auctions, the largest used vehicle auction company in the nation. The prices we get from there are the amounts that used car managers from dealerships have actually paid for specific vehicles. That’s a commodity price and represents real money paid for a car as close to “just like yours” as we can get.

You know, I’m an old fashioned customer service kind of guy. I’ve never held with the notion that selling cars needs to be a confrontational exercise where it’s all about putting another number up on the board for unit count and maximizing my commission on each sale. And the dealership where I work reflects that approach as well.

But if I don’t sell, I don’t earn. We earn a percentage of the gross profit on each vehicle sold. On new cars the minimum is $200. But there’s less profit than that on most new vehicles. Many have no profit or even a loss. It’s a simple matter of trying to put units over the curb and on the road. The profit center of a car dealership is in its “fixed operations” department (a fancy term for parts and service). And the only way that department gets customers is for us to actually sell a car.
Forget stuff about “holdback”, etc. That is indeed money that the manufacturer provides back to the dealer to help offset expenses—like the light bill or the property taxes or fixed salary expenses or even the interest on the loan the dealer takes to finance the inventory.

Sometimes we will dip into it to close a sale. That’s because increasingly customers demand that we compete against the other dealerships which sell the same brand as we do when it comes to price. We are required by customers to shave prices incrementally with the one most willing to whittle down the price winning. Imagine selling a $30,000 vehicle because you beat the guy selling the identical vehicle 20 miles down the road by $50. It happens all the time and it’s absolutely exasperating.



I earn about 1/3 of what I earned a couple of years ago as an automotive industry consultant. The benefit is that I have reduced my business travel from 150 nights a year in a hotel to 0. That’s worth it.

I love the customers I work with, by and large but the bottom line is that I’m a professional and just because I sell cars for a living doesn’t make me an asshole.

I Gotta Go to Work Today or Selling Azteks for Fun and Profit

Today’s the day. After 9 months of being unemployed, I’m going back to a “sales line” at a local car dealership.

I haven’t sold cars since May, 2003. Until January of this year I was a consultant and trainer to car dealers. I represented the manufacturer and worked with the dealership on practices that would help them be more profitable (inventory management, etc.) and did sales training.

Lest you think I’m some sort of ogre teaching people how to be sleazy, how to bluster their way through a sale or how to manipulate a customer into a corner which guarantees that they get the shaft and the sales person gets the money, let me just say here and now that my number one message was always “never, ever lie to a customer”.

Let’s do just a bit of math, OK. A car salesperson averages about 10 sales a month. That’s 120 a year. If those sales average $20,000 then the sales volume for that person is $2.4 million for the year. How much commission do you think he/she makes from that? !0%? 5%? Either one of those would provide an incredible living. It’s more like 1.5 to 2%, a very modest amount. On average, an automotive sales person makes 25% of gross profit per unit—after “pack”, the amount added to dealer cost for things like administration, etc. That alone should tell you how little profit there is in the average new vehicle transaction (profit margins are substantially higher on used vehicles).

The rest of that story is that these people work a goofy schedule that typically includes at least one 12 hour “bell day” a week and half to two-thirds of weekends. Many dealers are also open 362 days a year closing only on Christmas Day, News Years Day and Thanksgiving.

Here’s a story I’ve told many times in sales training classes:
I was the top Pontiac Aztek salesman in the California Region for 2 years in 2001-2002. Remember the Aztek? It’s widely considered one of the ugliest vehicles ever made—right up there with the old AMC Pacer. And it was. (The interior fabric was even uglier than the outside too!) But it was also a really good vehicle.

When I first started selling Pontiacs, a customer would tell me they were interested either in SUVs or wanted to see this “all new” Aztek. I would take them to our selection—we’d have several on hand. Invariably the customer would say something about how ugly the Aztek was. Something like, “that’s sure butt-ugly”.

And I’d dispute that. I’d tell them things like, “It’s just the edgy styling of it that you’re not used to,” or “It really grows on you,” or “Naw, look at these lines. This thing is really cool.” The customer would look at me like I was just the “typical” car salesguy—you know a big BS’er. A lot of them would leave then because I had been arguing with them or blowing smoke at them about the car.

So, I needed to do something to slow them down. What I came up with was to agree with them and do it with humor.

“Well, sir,” I’d say, “I can’t say that I disagree with that but…you know, my sister was pretty homely too, but we loved her anyway. Let me show you some of the reasons why you’ll fall in love with the Aztek.” And they’d laugh. And they would get interested in the vehicle rather than shutting down their interest. I now had an opportunity to build value. And I sold a bunch of them. They were roomy, versatile, powerful, economical and u-g-l-y. But people would buy them.

As Zig Ziglar always said, “Buying occurs when value exceeds price.” That’s the only time when any of us buy anything—ever.

And here’s the rest it: We build value when we communicate with our customer about ourself, our product and our company in terms of what we do more, better and differently than anyone else. Those are the dimensions of value. And it doesn’t matter what anyone sells—clothes, insurance, vehicles or groceries—the only time a customer parts with their money is when value exceeds price.



It seems like I've spent a great deal of my life working my way "down" the ladder of success. Or, as I'm somewhat fond of saying, "I can take my Masters degree and $2.50 and buy a cup of coffee at any Denny's".

I didn’t want to have to go back to work selling cars. And yet, I should have done it several months ago to earn some money and to be doing something productive. I was never any “superstar” salesguy but I worked hard and was totally honest. In this industry, like any other, it comes down to integrity, honesty and ethics. Those may sound like an oxymoron when used in a context of automobile sales but they’re vital.

So, I gotta go to work today. Let’s hope it all works out.

A Totally Honest Car Salesman--Honest!

Selling cars for a living is one of the hardest, most stress filled things I’ve ever done. Straight commission. Monthly minimum quotas. Oh yeah, if you don’t earn enough in a given month to cover your time, you get paid “hours” which means minimum wage for your efforts (at least here in California). At many dealers that’s also when they “blow you out”, which is a euphemism for getting fired.

When I first moved to California, I went to work for a Ford dealership almost, but not quite, on the border of Mexico. It was an interesting environment for a middle aged white guy who had just moved from Iowa.

But enough of the “background” In the late 90’s SUVs and pick-ups were all the rage and Ford was a good brand to sell because of the popularity of the Explorer (also known as the “Exploder”), Expedition and F-150. And, we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new mega-SUV, the Excursion.

People wanted big, bigger, biggest and the Excursion was the biggest and baddest. Customers were interested in the most massive SUV they could get. They equated it with safety (kind of like the idea of an M1 tank rolling over and crushing lesser vehicles).

I was one of the first to sell an Excursion (late 1999 for the launch of the 2000 Excursion). A customer came on the lot interested in the vehicle and wanted to order one to fit his exact specifications. It was a 4x4, XLT, 5.4 liter V-8, all the whistles and bells and leather interior. It was the first $40,000 vehicle I ever sold. And I would make a whopping $200 commission on the deal. Wow!
As I was discussing the process with the buyer he told me, “I want one with zero miles on it, that’s why I’m ordering it.”

“Well sir, that’s not going to be possible,” I replied.

“Why not?” was his question, just a little bit miffed.

“Well, they all have a couple of miles on them. They drive them off the line, and then for a couple of miles to make sure everything works, then load them on the transporter.”

“So, how many miles will it have?” he asked.

“Well, no more than 5 or 6”, was my response.

“OK,” he said, “just make sure that it’s no more than 5 or the deal is off.”

Well, I was just a bit nervous because I had seen new vehicles come in with more miles than that but I was still excited over the prospect of the “status” of selling one of the first of these big SUVs that none of us had even seen yet.

It took about a month and one day I got word that the vehicle would be coming in on the transporter the next day and I should get hold of my customer. When the transporter arrived, I had already made an appointment for the final paperwork and delivery of the vehicle.

I watched the transporter pull onto the dealership and saw the brand new, olive green with tan trim, special factory order Excursion perched on it. I had already tipped off the guys in the back that this vehicle was for a special order, was being delivered that evening and that I needed it PDI’d right away. (PDI means Pre-Delivery Inspection where all the fluids are checked, etc. to make sure the vehicle is ready to be driven. Then it’s detailed.) I went back and checked the odometer reading and breathed a sigh of relief. Four miles on it. Good.
The customer arrived at 6 p.m. and I grabbed the keys and went to “fetch” his new Excursion. He was excited and so was I. I came cruising around the side of the building sitting up high in this huge SUV, window down, elbow out, grinning. The buyer was grinning too. I parked it and climbed out.

“How many miles are on it?” he asked.

I handed him the key, and said “Take a look. It’s got 4 ½ miles on it.”

He checked the odometer, and poked around for a bit inside obviously liking what he was experiencing for the first time. His very own “testosterone-mobile”.

I got just a bit brave. “So, why was it so important to have virtually no miles on it?” I asked.

“Well, I wanted to make sure that I was the first one to fart in it,” he responded still smiling.

My smile disappeared, replaced by a look of surprise. “Man, I wish you had told me that before,” I managed to stammer.

“Why’s that?” he asked.

And with total honesty, I responded, “Because, it’s too late.”

He bought it anyway. And that’s what happens when an “old fart” sells a new car.

CAR BUYING 101: Going to the Dealer or "Hello Herb Tarlek"

You remember Herb Tarlek don’t you? You might if you’re over 40. He was the advertising salesguy on the TV show “WKRP Cincinnati” back in the 70’s. An obnoxious wheeler-dealer who epitomized “over-promise/under-deliver”.

That’s the kind of guy everyone assumes they’re going to encounter as a salesperson when they go to a car dealership. And all too often it’s true in one shape, form or fashion. You know, the guy who smells vaguely of bad cologne, breath-mints and cigarette smoke. He’s approaching you with an overbroad smile, hand outstretched and a standard greeting, “Hi there, welcome to ABC Motors, my name’s Herb and you are? Are you here for our big sale?”

Do you know why car salespeople greet customers like that? Well, there’s 2 main reasons. One, they don’t know any other way to do it. And two, their managers train them to do it that way because it’s the “best way” to “make friends with the customer and take control of them.” Horsecrap!

And dealers wonder why, even though customers are looking forward to buying a bright, shiny new car they dread having to go to a dealership.

Look, in order to buy that new car you’re going to have to go to a dealership to get it. It’s that simple. You can’t get it on Amazon and have it delivered. There are definitely some things you can do to help yourself and the salesperson. First and foremost is to realize that you’re going to have to collaborate with a salesperson in order to find the car you want and to get it for the price and “deal structure” that you want.

First, select the dealership you think you want to do business with. They have to carry the make you’d like obviously. Use whatever criteria you want. One of the best is if you know someone who had a good experience there. I have a prejudice against dealers who get on the tube and “yell and scream” about how great their deals are—especially if you’ve got “bad credit, no credit, bankruptcy, divorce or military”. As I said earlier—horsecrap! The dealer which focuses on “subprime credit” or “spi-fi” (special finance) tends to drive away good credit customers.

I remember the “spi-fi” director at one of the first dealerships where I worked telling a customer, “Sir, divorce doesn’t cause bad credit. Not paying your bills causes bad credit!” And also telling a customer, “There are 2nd chance banks. There are no 3rd chance banks!”

So, like every other aspect of this process, be prepared. The best thing would be if you have a friend or relative who had a great experience and provides you with that person’s name. Then you can contact him or her and set up an appointment (assuming that they sell the make/model that you’re most interested in).

Or do this: Call a dealership you think you want to do business with. Talk to the receptionist. Tell him or her “I’m interested in buying a car but don’t know anything about your dealership. If you were buying a car at your store, who would you trust the most to take care of you best?”

The receptionist will give you a name and then ask to speak to that person and set up an appointment to get together if your conversation convinces you that this is a person you’d like to do business with (i.e. one you can trust to work with you).

Remember something else when you get there and start working with the salesperson. He or she works for commission and, especially on new cars, there is precious little commission. You may buy a $20 to $40 thousand car and this person might make $100 for his efforts. Seriously! This guy is a “working stiff” trying his best 50 to 60 hours a week to make a living in a challenging environment where he is often verbally abused by managers equally desperate to “sell a car”. Most car sales people make $30,000-40,000 a year and spend a lot of their time with a sinking feeling in the pit of their stomach about how they’re going to sell a car and pay their rent or mortgage this month.

So, bearing in mind that your best bet is to show up with an appointment with a specific person, make sure and ask for that person when you get there by name and say you have an appointment. That way whoever just “upped” you when you got out of your vehicle will find or summon the person with whom you have an appointment. If he tries to tell you that the person isn’t there, ask (insist) to be taken to the sales manager. It’s your call. If the person blew you off, you may just want to leave and try another dealer. Or if the guy who “upped” you is trying to “skate” the person with whom you have an appointment (skating is trying to cheat someone out of a deal by falsely claiming they are unavailable) that’s why you go to the manager.

When you’re with your salesperson, he or she will try to source or qualify you as to what you need or want. You should have already covered some of this in your initial phone conversation. Now is a good time to reiterate it. If the salesperson does not offer to go inside and talk, suggest it to him. Then you can go through your specifications as to model, equipment, options, etc. And, have a couple of different colors in mind not just one! When I sold cars I asked my customers “are there any colors which are totally objectionable to you”.

If you do it this way, you’re communicating clearly with the salesperson. You’re making their job easier.

So, let’s go back to how salespeople are trained—which at the vast majority of dealers is little more than a joke. At most dealers, managers tell sales people repeatedly to “make friends with the customer” and “take control of the sale”. Most managers don’t have any more of an idea of what these 2 things mean than their sales staff does and that’s why the training at so many dealerships is lacking.

I always trained sales staff that making friends is not as important as being friendly (and they’re 2 different things). You’re not going to go out to a sportsbar for a beer with the salesperson after work—in other words odds are you’re not going to be friends. The most important thing is trust—that the customer trust the salesperson. If I don’t trust a salesperson I’m not spending $20,000 to $30,000 on a car with them!

As far as “controlling the sale” is concerned, most managers and sales staff construe this to mean that the salesperson is in charge. You can’t earn trust that way! You can’t get someone to part with their money that way either. Most dealerships have anywhere from an 8 to 12 step sales process (it’s all pretty much the same). This includes: meet & greet, sell yourself & the dealership, needs assessment, land the customer on a car, demo the car, write-up, negotiation, closing, delivery and follow-up. What I always trained is that the salesperson has to be so intimately familiar with the process that he/she is leading and guiding the customer through the steps—up to and including taking some “out of order” to facilitate the smooth flow of the process.

Understand that. Don’t allow yourself to be manipulated by it. And, don’t allow yourself to be rushed through it. Bottom line: It’s YOUR money! YOU earned it! YOU’RE the customer.


And, when it doubt—leave. “Be Backs” are great although most managers try to tell sales staff that “the “be-back” bus don’t run”. Yes it does—somewhere! And you can make it run back to that dealer or you can go someplace else.

Bear these things in mind when you’re going to the dealership. It is a process—both for you and for the sales staff. You DON’T have to “buy and drive today”. Start with that premise and if necessary remind the salesperson AND his/her manager of it. But you are serious about buying a new car either today or tomorrow or as soon as you get the “deal” that you want.