Penises, Vibrators and Cars

The other night, while sitting out on the balcony with my wife talking about our day, we got in a bit of a discussion about my job as a car salesman.

Seems like she wasn’t too fond of my description that a 50’ish female customer I was working with was driving a $37,000 “vibrator”. (Actually, she has a 7-year old Nissan 350Z convertible).

“Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re getting irked at the notion that this woman bought a car 4 years ago and has admitted that it was her ‘bright and shiny toy’ that she ‘just had to have’ to indulge her late middle age desire for a ‘go-fast convertible’.”

“But let me ask you something…you don’t have any problems describing a guy that age who has a Corvette as owning a $40,000 penis do you?”

“Well, no,” my bride replied.

“It’s the same thing,” was my response.


Yeah, it was the same thing. Men have been doing that for years with ‘Vettes and Mustang Cobras and Mitsubishi Evo’s and Dodge Challengers and big, bad-ass, jacked-up trucks. Women do it too. It has to do with our image of our masculinity or femininity or the idea that we’re 40 plus and want to feel young.

And yeah, somehow or another these vehicles are tied into our sexuality—our attractiveness, our desirability. I’ve never had the cash to indulge that fantasy, nor the inclination.

So what’s this all about? Well, I had this customer the other day. 50’ish, female and wanting to buy a new, sporty car. No problem. Until she told me later in the day over the phone that she had a trade-in. OK, still no problem. An ‘07 350Z convertible. Still no problem. $8000 “upside-down”. Potential problem. Only $2000 available for a down payment. Yep, potential problem.

To make the long story short, when I was finally able to get her to come in so we could appraise her car. In actuality, she was nearly $10,000 upside down. Oops.

Now, a car dealer can do some legerdemain sometimes with how to assemble a deal structure so that it works for a customer with substantial negative equity. It’s a lot harder today than it was 3 or 4 years ago, thank goodness. Things tightened up with car loans at the same time they did with home mortgages—and for the same reasons.

Turns out, she still owed over $19,000 on a vehicle she bought 4 years ago that’s worth less than $10K. And there’s still 3 years to go on the loan. Oops! Great big Oops!

You know what bugs my butt though? This person bought a middle-aged ego-booster. She’s tired of it. It’s not big enough. But lady, it’s not my fault! It’s not my fault that you screwed yourself by agreeing to a 7 year loan and that you paid new-car price for a car which was 3 years old when you bought it. It ain’t my fault! Yeah, when I had to give her bad news, she got mad. At me!

She got mad at me when I told her that she had a 7 year loan (she thought it was only a 6 year loan—but hmmmm, I can do that math…she’s made 49 payments and has 35 to go, yep that’s 7 years). She didn’t believe me. “Well ma’am,” I said, “that’s what it shows on both Experian and TransUnion so what I’d suggest is that you check your original contract to make sure.”

But that’s OK, you need to be miffed at someone and there’s only so much that you can beat yourself up and you have to do that privately rather than in my office. And, I’m not the first guy that you’ve tried to do this with. I imagine that the other dealers you’ve gone to have told you the same thing. I mean, we can do it. We can get you out of the car, but it’s going to take more like $6000 down. But your payment will be over $100 lower. And she got mad at that. But that’s OK. That’s the nature of the business.

Hey, if you’ve got a testosterone toy or an estrogen machine, that’s cool. Make sure that you set yourself up to succeed when you’re tired of driving it. And, although you may have gotten screwed without getting kissed, you were a willing participant. Plus, I’m not the guy who did it to you. I’m the guy who’s trying to help you get out of it!

Just remember—it’s a car! It’s not proof that you’re a hottie or a stud. It’s transportation. There’s no status that’s conveyed to you by the car you drive.

Here’s a YouTube of one of my favorite all time car commercials—give it a watch, it’s funny.

Just Cuz I Sell Cars For a Living Doesn't Make Me an Asshole

Well, I’ve been toiling away now for 10 months now. I’ve had a few good months and I’ve had a few crappy months. I’ve met some real nice folks and I’ve met some jerks.

The dealership where I work is in an upscale community in San Diego County. Good credit and good income is the norm. We also get a number of Marines from nearby Camp Pendleton, usually with pretty good credit too. And all that helps. What doesn’t help though is the cynicism, smugness and sense of entitlement that all too many customers bring with them usually because they’ve managed to look something up on the internet.


The internet actually does a lot of disservice in many areas not the least of which is in car sales. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t make it the gospel. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t eliminate the need to read all the fine print.

Anyway, this hopefully isn’t going to degenerate into a rant. But let’s see what flows from my brain to my fingertips.

There’s a lot of down time at a dealership. And there’s times when you’re desperate for something to keep you busy. And, it doesn’t help when the dealer filters all but the most basic of websites from its computers. Forget search engines or news sources.

So here’s a couple of things from a car sales guy that might help you a bit the next time you think you want to take the plunge and go shopping for a car:

Narrow your choices of a new car down before venturing out. Have a pretty good idea whether you want a cross-over utility vehicle, sedan or mini-van before venturing out. All major manufacturers have websites where you can screen various models and trim levels and do your basic comparison shopping before leaving home. Remember, if I don’t sell anything, I don’t make anything. I’m patient but not to the point where I’m happy to spend 2 hours with you doing nothing but “kicking tires” on your first foray to a car dealership in 10 years.


Are you thinking of trading your car? That’s fantastic. And if you want to withhold it until the end, that’s fine too. But bear in mind that now isn’t the time to get impatient over time because it’s now going to take 30 or more minutes longer when we have to appraise your vehicle and if a balance is owed we have to contact the lender to secure an accurate 10 day pay-off. (The sum of your remaining payments is not your payoff unless you have a 0% loan).

And, the amount you owe on your trade has absolutely nothing to do with how much it’s worth. A customer a couple of weeks ago was incensed that we couldn’t provide her with a trade value that would pay off her vehicle. She owed $8500 on an 8 year old vehicle that was worth $5000 at wholesale. I finally asked her a direct question: “Miss, if you only owed $1000 on your car would that mean that it’s only worth $1000?” Of course, she answered “No”. To which I responded, “Well, wouldn’t you agree then that the amount you owe on your vehicle has nothing to do with how much it’s worth?” Of course it doesn’t.

If you’ve already ground us down to a below invoice price on your vehicle, you have no expectation of a “retail” value on your trade. We’ll go wholesale to wholesale or retail to retail. The dealer where I work rarely tries to go retail for our car and wholesale for a trade (but we will). It’s lousy business for us to go wholesale on the vehicle we’re selling and retail on the vehicle the customer is trading. We won’t do it and will tell a customer right up front that we can’t and don’t.
Here’s a hint. The sources of trade information online are generally woefully inaccurate. The closest we’ve found is Edmunds.com. The source we try to use most is a source that only dealers have access to. It’s known as Manheim Market Reports and is the commodity based pricing from Manheim Auctions, the largest used vehicle auction company in the nation. The prices we get from there are the amounts that used car managers from dealerships have actually paid for specific vehicles. That’s a commodity price and represents real money paid for a car as close to “just like yours” as we can get.

You know, I’m an old fashioned customer service kind of guy. I’ve never held with the notion that selling cars needs to be a confrontational exercise where it’s all about putting another number up on the board for unit count and maximizing my commission on each sale. And the dealership where I work reflects that approach as well.

But if I don’t sell, I don’t earn. We earn a percentage of the gross profit on each vehicle sold. On new cars the minimum is $200. But there’s less profit than that on most new vehicles. Many have no profit or even a loss. It’s a simple matter of trying to put units over the curb and on the road. The profit center of a car dealership is in its “fixed operations” department (a fancy term for parts and service). And the only way that department gets customers is for us to actually sell a car.
Forget stuff about “holdback”, etc. That is indeed money that the manufacturer provides back to the dealer to help offset expenses—like the light bill or the property taxes or fixed salary expenses or even the interest on the loan the dealer takes to finance the inventory.

Sometimes we will dip into it to close a sale. That’s because increasingly customers demand that we compete against the other dealerships which sell the same brand as we do when it comes to price. We are required by customers to shave prices incrementally with the one most willing to whittle down the price winning. Imagine selling a $30,000 vehicle because you beat the guy selling the identical vehicle 20 miles down the road by $50. It happens all the time and it’s absolutely exasperating.



I earn about 1/3 of what I earned a couple of years ago as an automotive industry consultant. The benefit is that I have reduced my business travel from 150 nights a year in a hotel to 0. That’s worth it.

I love the customers I work with, by and large but the bottom line is that I’m a professional and just because I sell cars for a living doesn’t make me an asshole.

Car Buying 101: Rule 4 Contacting a Dealership

Note: See my posts for Rules 1-3 on May 27 and April 20. Rule 1: Start shopping from home. Rule 2: Shop for your money first. Rule 3: Be realistic about your trade.

You now have the preliminaries out of the way. You’ve done your homework by researching vehicles and have selected the model or models you’re interested in. You’ve contacted your bank or credit union and know what to expect financially (and you may even be “pre-approved which would be the best scenario). And if you’re thinking of trading a vehicle, you have a good idea of what it’s worth and how much you owe on it if anything.

So you’re ready to go buy a new car, right? I would suggest another step in the process before traipsing off to a dealership ready to do battle and drive off in a new vehicle. Contact some dealerships first—either by phone or e-mail, whichever you’re most comfortable doing.

The whys of doing this are fairly straight forward. First, you’ll get a pretty good idea of whether or not you want to do business with the specific dealer or salesperson. Second, it allows you to screen information prior to arriving at the dealership—like incentives such as rebates or interest rates. Third, you can determine whether the vehicle you’re interested in is in stock (the model, trim level, options and color).

All of this can make your actual visit to the dealership one which is more fruitful, productive and enjoyable. You have a right to expect that this information is provided to you upfront and willingly. And if it is, then your entire buying experience will be smoother, more satisfying and more professional.

You want to go to a dealership that knows that it's not about them. It's not about manipulating you into doing something you're not fully prepared to do yet. You want to go somewhere that knows that it's all about you and your needs and that if they fulfill that they'll be better positioned to make a profit.

That brings us to Rule 4: Contacting a Dealership

Be organized about it. Buying a vehicle isn’t a trip to an amusement park. It’s a major piece of business where you’re going to contract to spend upwards of $20,000 or more on a new vehicle. The e-mail contact is arguably the easiest in that you’ll be writing your questions and sending them off with every reasonable expectation that you’ll have a specific response within a couple of hours.

E-Mail contact: Virtually all dealerships now have internet departments. Look up the dealership online and then contact them via their contact portal. Do not include your phone number. Make them respond to your questions via e-mail. If they don’t, then you can move on. What you may wish to do is contact a couple of different dealerships selling the vehicle you’re interested in via e-mail. At this point you’re not trying to get them to compete for your business based on price, you’re trying to get the best response and develop a sense of where you’ll feel most comfortable. And, if a dealership isn’t willing to provide you with information, then you probably don’t want to do business with them. After the information is provided and you’re sure that you want to go that dealership is the right time to provide a phone number for confirmation of an appointment.

In your e-mail you want to specify that you’re interested in a vehicle and then state the make and model and trim level. From there mention any options and color(s). Then ask whether the vehicle is in stock, its MSRP, their advertised selling price and any incentives. And, be upfront and tell them your timeframe for having the purchase completed. If it’s 6 months you shouldn’t even be in touch. But it’s timely if you’re looking at buying a vehicle anytime in the next 4-6 weeks.

The timeliness, information and tone of the response is going to tell you a lot about whether you want to do business there or not. If a dealer immediately wants to get on the phone and discuss it with you, either resist of just “write them off”. They just want to as is the saying in the retail side of car sales “take control”. Buying and selling vehicles isn’t or shouldn’t be about “control”. It’s about business and satisfaction.

Phone contact: There’s a dealer term for incoming phone calls from customers—“phone-pops”. Sales people love to get them and yet have a hard time in converting them to appointments. Why? Because sales people are “trained” by their managers to “take control” and not let the caller “stroke” them. They’re also trained to not “give out any numbers” otherwise the customer will just use that as an excuse to “shop”. What managers still don’t realize is that these techniques are guaranteed to drive the majority of phone callers away.

Their job is to get your name and number and an appointment. Your job is to get information and, if you like the information you get and how it was provided, to set an appointment.

If the person at the dealership is unwilling or reluctant to provide information over the phone, that’s OK because there are dealers out there who will. You can even tell the person right up front that you’re looking for some specific information and that if they are unable or unwilling to provide the information that you would appreciate being connected to someone who will provide it or you can just call another dealership. You’re the customer and you have information needs. Make sure they are fulfilled upfront.

With that in mind, at this point you don’t need to provide your name or phone number—but be polite and let the salesperson know that you’ll be happy to provide that once you have the information you require and decide that you’d like to go to the next step with them. Here’s the thing, YOU’RE the one in control because you’re the customer.

Get all the information that you need—availability of model, trim level, options and color(s). Then ask whether the vehicle is in stock, its MSRP, their advertised selling price and any incentives. Get the information. This will also give you information as to whether or not you want to do business there.

A smart salesperson will provide you with the information happily and willingly. If you are constantly interrupted with questions and efforts to “close the appointment” either resist, be direct in telling the person that you want to receive information first or hang up. And one of the other things you can do is reassure the sales person that you are serious about buying a vehicle and that you require this information before deciding what to buy and from whom.

So now, you’ve gone through the basic first contact on the phone or internet. You’ve decided to go to that dealership and you’ve set an appointment. (Make sure when setting the appointment that you’re specific on day and time, you have the salesperson’s first and last name and cell number as well as his/her sales manager’s first and last name).

Remember it's all about you. The process of buying a vehicle shouldn't be aggravating. It shouldn't be a hassle or be frustrating. These steps can help assure that it's as pleasant as possible and that you get the vehicle you want, at a price and payment you're satisfied with.

The next couple of posts will deal with actually being at the dealership. I’ll try to walk you through the process so that you have a better idea of the dealership’s goals and processes as well as how to achieve the outcome that you’d most like to have. Good luck.