Sunday, July 12, 2009

California's Budget Solved!! Welcome to CalDakota

(Note: This, of course, is totally "tongue in cheek" and is purely from the demented mind of the author. With quasi-apologies to Reps. Pelosi and Pomeroy, Sens. Feinstein and Dorgan and Gov. Schwarzenegger)

Like Cinderella’s coach turning back into a pumpkin, California’s budget woes went from bad to worse at the stroke of midnight July 1 as the new fiscal year for the state began without solution for a budget which is $25 billion out of whack.

Frustrated by the state’s dismal attempts at alleviating the debacle, two of California’s congressional leaders hosted a press conference this morning in Washington, D. C. to announce that they have taken the initiative to broker a resolution to the morass.

Speaker of the U. S. House of Representatives Nancy Pelosi, D-CA and U. S. Senator Diane Feinstein, D-CA met with the media in a press conference which was also carried live at the California State Capital in Sacramento to announce the plan. Pelosi and Feinstein opened the conference and then introduced their key partners in this unprecedented plan. Following is a transcript of the press conference:

Gov. Schwarzenegger

Pelosi: Good morning and thank you for coming on such short notice. Diane and I have been up all night finishing the agreements and we just got done informing Gov. Schwarzenegger of the plan.

Feinstein: We’ve worked hard to get to our positions of leadership in the Congress and we’ve gotten tired of being embarrassed by our state’s fiscal woes. So we decided to take the initiative and get something done—which the legislature and governor in our home state apparently don’t have the balls to do.
Speaker Pelosi and Rep. Pomeroy

Pelosi: What we’ve done is brokered a deal that makes GM and Chrysler look mild. Let me introduce two gentlemen who have become our partners in assuring the rejuvenation of California. Ladies and gentlemen, Rep. Earl Pomeroy and Senator Byron Dorgan of the great state of North Dakota.
Sen. Feinstein and Sen. Dorgan

Dorgan: Good morning, good morning to you all. I’m sure you have a lot of questions but let us outline the agreement before you start. OK? Good, you betcha.

Pomeroy: Thanks for coming. Let me start out by saying that this is quite the opportunity. Right up there with Seward’s Folly and the Louisiana Purchase. Except we’re calling this a short-term annexation.

Dorgan: That’s right. For the next 50 years, North Dakota will be annexing the state of California. During that time, it will be known as CalDakota. Government will be transferred from Sacramento to Bismarck with the statehouse in Sacramento being the seat of the region known as NorCalDakota. There will be a similar seat in Los Angeles with that region to be called SoCalDakota.

North Dakota and CalDakota Capital, Bismarck, ND

Pomeroy: So why did we agree to do this? Because it makes sense and it’s time for North Dakota to take its rightful position of leadership which, quite frankly California; oops I mean CalDakota; has squandered. We know how to be frugal with our money in North Dakota and yet still take care of our people. We’re going to show California how to do it. I mean, right now North Dakota is running a surplus of about $2000 per person while California has a deficit of about $750 per person. We’re going to leverage funds, kind of like a kindly uncle co-signing for a car loan. But that means we’re in charge until the loans get paid off.

Pelosi: OK, that’s the short version. What we’re looking forward to is being able to get things back on track for California with the least amount of pain possible.

Dorgan: That’s right Nancy. And we know that things will get a bit tense for a while but that’s why we’re also starting an “Adopt a CalDakotan Program” which will be co-headquartered in Fargo and Fresno so that citizens of North Dakota can adopt kids or families in CalDakota and provide them with a break from life in the west. Participating North Dakotans will exchange places with CalDakotans in January and February. It’ll give North Dakotans a chance to be somewhere warm and will show CalDakotans what the term “a cold day in hell” means.

Pomeroy: What about Tijuana?

Feinstein: That’s in Mexico, nitwit. Jeez, it’s like you guys think you own us or something.
Dorgan: Don’t call my colleague from the House names. Who do you think you are, Cher? By the way, did you know that Angie Dickinson lived in North Dakota.

Pelosi: I don’t care where Angie Dickinson lived. It’s not like she’s Peggy Lee or something.

Pomeroy: She was from Jamestown! Look, let’s settle down. We’re talking about making Lawrence Welk Resort and Village between San Diego and Temecula as big as Disney. North Dakotans won’t be able to wait to get there and spend money. They’ll even buy all the leisure suits you can make.
Feinstein: OK, OK, OK. This isn’t getting us anywhere. What next?

Dorgan: I have a check here in my hand in the amount of $26 billion, enough to take care of the deficit. It’s in North Dakota dollars though and I just need to get Gov. Schwarzenegger to endorse it and everything will be set.
Pomeroy: Yeah, let’s get it done. I can’t wait to get out to Napa Valley, CalDakota and go to some place that sells lutefske tacos.

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