Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Old Fart Farting...I'm Even Offending Myself

Saturday was my 58th birthday so I decided to give myself a present. Commit lozenges.I’ve been a smoker pretty much my whole adult life (started when I was 19). At one time I smoked 3 packs a day. I wonder how much I’ve spent over the years on cigarettes that I could have had available for other things?

When I first started, I could get a carton of the Tarytons that I smoked for $1.80 at the base commissary. Today of course, premium cigarettes are over $50.00 a carton at Costco. First I dropped from Benson & Hedges to Kools and then to Pall Mall menthol 100s which I can still buy for the “meager” sum of $35.

I quit for a couple of years almost 20 years ago. I quit again on my 54th birthday and hadn’t had a cigarette until I met my wife in December, 2004. She smoked and I was fine with that. When she’d go out on her balcony to have I cigarette, I’d go out with her and we’d talk while she smoked. That went on for about a week. Then I’d take a drag on her cigarette while she smoked (notice I said drag not puff. Puffs are for wusses). That went on for a week or so and then when she’d light up I’d filch one of hers. That too, went on for about a week and I was hooked and back to smoking again.

So, one more time for me. It’s been 4 days and I’ve had 2 cigarettes both of which I sneaked from my wife’s pack on the balcony when she was doing something else.

Now there’s a curious thing about Commit lozenges. Basically they’re nicotine in a chalky lozenge. I pop one in my mouth whenever I get that buzz going in my ears that says I’m going into withdrawal. Yep, this is indeed a drug. Nicotine as a drug isn’t really going to hurt you it’s just the crap in the burning tobacco that kills you. But nicotine is as strongly addictive as heroin or cocaine (so I’ve read).

Oh yeah, the curious thing about Commit. They don’t have too many side effects. In fact here’s the statement in the Commit website FAQs about their side effects:
The most common side effects are insomnia, nausea, hiccups, coughing, heartburn, headache and flatulence.

Let’s see—insomnia, nope. Nausea, nope. Hiccups, nope. Coughing, nope. Heartburn or headache, nope. Flatulence. Flatulence???

If I could figure out a way to hook a hose up to my butt I bet I could refill the propane tank on my grill for free!

I’m offending myself! I’m waking my wife up at night—farting. They’re grand, glorious “pooters” which seem to go on forever long, drawn out blaaaaaaaats and endless staccato bursts in no recognizable rhythm.

Am I embarrassed by this? Well as my wife just said to me over the tabletop—“there’s a nobler purpose at hand.” But I’m sure there are limits to the patience of her ears and nose.

I try to sneak them by her but she picks up on the vibrations and reverberations on the couch as we sit watching endless re-runs of Scrubs and Deadliest Catch. And speaking of Deadliest Catch—naw, I really don’t want to go there.

But, hopefully within a couple of weeks, this will be over and I can wean myself off the nicotine lozenges. And, quit hacking up a lung every morning. And have a heightened sense of smell and taste. (By the way the last time I quit, the first sense that came back was the sense of smell and I discovered that the world doesn’t smell all that good).

And then, maybe I can take those walks around the hills near our apartment and turn them into runs again as I try to clear up and strengthen my lungs.

Until then, I’ll just have to keep on “offending myself” for a while. Ahhhhhh, there’s another one.

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