WOW! A Busy Few Weeks for Cheap Bastid

Hey folks, it’s been a busy few weeks for the Cheap Bastid. All of a sudden my e-mail has been popping and my phone has been ringing. I feel like a rock star. Maybe there’s some interest out there in Cheap Bastid’s kind of cooking on a budget.

Here’s what’s been happening in my world:

First, I got a call from Bravo. They wanted to have me as a guest host and judge right there alongside Padma Lakshmi on Top Chef this next season. (Wouldn’t it be cool to get them to do an Elimination Challenge when the chefs have to go to the 99 Cent Only store and spend no more than $10 on a meal for a family of four). It’ll be the first episode and I get to inspect tattoos for family content and I’ll be translating Fabio’s English to English. “This is Top Chef not Top Puzzy!” Check out the publicity shot:


Then, I got a call from Gordon Ramsey from “Hell’s Kitchen”. He wants me to pinch hit for him whenever he goes into a meltdown. I’ll be the designated screamer and cusser so that Gordon can be “kinder and gentler” and show his “Alan Alda” side. So, I’ve been rehearsing screaming obscenities but substituting the word “bleep” for the bad words. Apparently that’s cheaper than having to pay a sound editor to insert all the bleeps electronically.


Damn, then Food Network called and wanted me on Iron Chef. Not as a challenger but as one of the Iron Chefs. It seems like Bobby Flay got the crap kicked out of him after he actually won a “Throwdown” and was going to be out of action for a few weeks. They didn’t necessarily want me to cook—just to stand around with my arms folded looking menacing.


And then I got invited to do a screentest where I would actually get to cook. It was for a pilot of a new sit-com that’s a take-off on Julie and Julia (now I thought they wanted to make it Julia and Jules but I was mistaken). I didn’t get the part because in the publicity “stills” I was considered to be too unattractive. Man, I don’t know what was wrong with those folks.

After that though, things got just a bit better. You know that Pres. Obama and Michelle have a garden at the White House, right? I got invited to do a bit of guest gardening with Michelle. That’s OK, but what they really wanted me to do was help rake and shovel the composted manure into the topsoil. They told me I was an acknowledged expert at shoveling that kind of shit. I guess they got the manure from the Republican caucus in the Senate.


And finally, I got selected to have my picture on the cover of “Food and Wine” magazine’s “Best New Chefs and Their Easiest Recipes” issue. I just wish that they had let me cook first because as soon as they saw my “Weiners Wellington” recipe they kicked me out but not before I swiped a “galley” cover of the original photo.

So, yeah it’s been a busy few weeks for Cheap Bastid. That’s why I keep repeating the mantra:

Eat Good. Eat Cheap. Be Grateful!

And I’m grateful that it’s April Fools Day!

...and a huge thank you to Mrs. CB for some terrific photo editing!